Volume 1
Relationships in college are not an accurate assessment of a sustainable relationship in the real world. The dynamics that got you together are based on one common theme; both people have a common purpose which is graduation and a common goal… GETTING A DAMN JOB!
Now here comes graduation. Both parties are faced with having to decide what is best for their career by going where ever the best opportunity is. This is where the division of the sexes usually starts to take shape.
Men are naturally more intellectual with their feelings and can think with their minds to decipher what decision makes the most financial sense. Women however, often think with their hearts and cloud their vision for the future with thoughts of family and children with this college mate.
Black Young and Gifted
Black man is ready to take over the world. He has made it! No kids, no record, college education and a good paying job. What female wouldn’t want him? I dub this man the BLACK UNICORN.
Black woman is ready to face the world. She wants a family, she has good job, and she wants a suitable mate that is on her level. But there is one problem! Most black men aren’t on her level, and those that are aren’t ready to settle down. I will call this woman the BLACK WIDOW.
To Be Continued…
The male perspective of the female psyche….smh. I’ll reserve my full rebuttal for the conclusion of this post. So;
To Be Continued…
What female wouldn’t want him? A woman looking for someone who knows what he wants.
Because of the fact that men tend to be intellectually driven/logic driven they tend to be driven by SELF preservation. “What am I going to do for me”.
Meaning he hasn’t sat down to commit to the introspection necessary for proper maturity.
He doesn’t know what he wants for his future, other than more success where he is.
He doesn’t know what he expects in a “soulmate” or whether he believes in them, because he has failed to recognize his own soul to begin with.
Intelligence, Charm, and Ambition are lovely traits, but affection and security come into play where?
The plight of the educated black woman:
Pretty accurate. This is what accounts for the reinforcing of low self esteem in Black women. The black woman (often times) begins to hate herself (more) because she is constantly trying to figure out what’s wrong with her. She’s been working her whole life to be at a stable position to create a family, and she can’t even get to the starting point.
That’s why I disagree with the first statement.
Relationships in college can be an accurate assessment.
The most successful relationships I’ve witnessed are couples who met in University, or starting dating towards the end of college or in graduate school.
Ok Dr. Phil… So pretty much to sum up your opinion Black Women or as you refer to us “BLACK WIDOWS” are pretty much screwed. So you mean to tell me a BLACK WOMAN who is ready to face the world, has a good job, whom is ready for a suitable mate to start a family with is a BLACK WIDOW??? Death??? Posioness??? Really dude??? WHOOOOOOO’S YOU’RE DADDY… Chile Please you sound INTELLIGENTLY IGNORANT!
I FEEL LIKE THIS BLOG IS THE “BLACK UNICORN’S” OUTLET TO PUBLICALLY TRY TO JUSTIFY HIS IMMATURITY, INSECURITIES & DECISION TO BE PROMISCUOUS… #HIV IS REAL… YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL!!!
P.S.
@ HJAYBEE VERY GOOD POINT!!!
i have to say…so far, the perspective is pretty chauvinistic however I would like to see where it goes.
agreed… i think there are “black unicorns” in both sexes… well not think, i KNOW.
Thank You for all Responding. This is an open forum where all views are respected and taken into account. Part 2 of this will be released very soon. Feel free to write rebuttals on any topic you see on itstheratpack.com. The best one will get an Official Spot Light on the Blog.
In response to an earlier comment, the term “black widow” as used in this blog is not a negative connotation by any means. The term is used more so as an ode to a female’s independence and maturity level. The BLACK WIDOW (spider) disposes or kills (for lack of better words) the male counterpart after he mates with her for reproduction purposes. Thus making the direct correlation with the black female, who in actuality only needs the male vessel to sustain life.
We are all entitled to our own opinion, but I fear that your initial qualm jaded your view on what was actually being discussed in the blog post. Therefore, making your statement of sounding “intelligently ignorant” and using the blog as an “outlet to publicly try to justify his immaturity, insecurities, & decision to be promiscuous” extremely futile. Maybe it hit too close to home?
Keep in mind this is only part 1 and I am pretty sure that the rest of the post will surprise you if you can put aside personal bias and look at the topic objectively. Please stay tuned.
-RatPack
First, I must giggle. With such a brief introduction into the topic of this post, I must say…I feel accomplished and almost have the notion to pat myself on the back for the thoughts I often have on most black successful men. There is such an arrogant air about you that I bet you cannot even see past your own self righteous demeanor. I bet you feel that you are teaching me something, huh? As if whatever great knowledge you are about to bestow upon me, my father, in all of his 57 years of wisdom and successful 35 year marriage has somehow forgotten to reveal. Oh wise one, please…pray tell of the hidden secrets of my plight.
Aside from this honest sarcasm I am currently spewing, I must be forward in telling you that the mere fact you believe women are naturally “clouded” which is a nicer way of saying “confused constantly” because of emotion is absurd and to make the comparison that in some way men are much more intelligent when it comes to matters of relationship building is quite asinine. Every person is an individual and while some may lead with their hearts rather then mind has nothing to do with the ability to breast feed or aquire an erection. In fact, it has to do with the situation at hand. People, men and women, who are desperately in love can at times be illogical only believing what they feel and not thinking clearly of what may be best.
When it comes to matters of the heart…everyone gets cloudy. Its completely irresponsible of you to label women as cloudy which negates any notion that we are in fact, not speaking of love but in general, are very responsible in making sound decisions that may involve some form of emotion. I always am offened when I am told woman are emotional and it is said in such a way that it can be construed as a character flaw that you just need to deal with. By nature we a nurturers which tends to involve a lot of emotion. Would you want the mother of your children to be incapable of showing proper emotion to your child because you lack the “cloudiness” to? Right…I didn’t think so. To say the least, your full of shit.
You sir need to rethink the ending to this post. Don’t think to hard now…I wouldn’t want that unicorn of yours to fall off. I’m sure it could be of some use. #hmph
Agreed, This perspective is extremely chauvinistic….but understandable.
from the beginning of time men and women have been on different pages. I think it is funny, when a young man is looking at a women, a Black women, they expect her to have it ALL together. ( Job, education, hair and nails done, no kids, low body count, physically fit, great personality, attractive, good credit score and obtain a promising future)so we cant expect the same? I have heard this expectation specifically from men ages 22 and up…
A man can have it all together but be a chauvinistic pig or have nothing and be extremely humble. Sometimes, i will admit, either or is not enough for some women. I do think we expect a lot, but realistically men have the SAME expectations for women. We are just more in tune with the future and what is required to not only provide for self, but for a family. Its our role, to understand how to support our family, emotionally, and economically.
College relationships make you aware of what you want and expect from a mate. It’s a trial period. Some trial periods are successful, resulting in couple eventually marrying each other or allowing a person so understand what not to do and how to look for better qualities in a mate. I don’t think that women are just eager to find a man or get married and have children… As a black women its important to find a companion. Marriage is a Lifetime commitment, so its important at this age, to explore our options and find someone, eventually, that you can spend a lifetime with.
At the end of the day if a women believes that she is a quality women, she’ll want to get what she thinks she deserves in man. She will either be patient ….or she will move on until she finds the one that lives up to her standards.
Let’s watch our generalizations. Not all women seek to be “in tune with the future and what is required to not only provide for self, but for a family.” As BLACK WOMEN we’ve just been set back 91 years by the statement.
“As Black women, [it's] important to find a companion.”
HUH??
Says who? Where is this written? Perhaps in our grand parents’ day or that of our great grandparents. The 21st century Black woman is raising the bar a few feet higher; which — ironically — may call for a particularly backward accusation: that she’s acting like a man.
Can you imagine? The Black woman whose number one priority is HER. HER career, HER 401K, HER first home, car, etc. She didn’t budget for a man. And that’s okay too.
All I’m saying is…watch your generalizations.
Let the debate continue…
I think TODAY, we are in tune naturally, of what we want and need for the future. Its not “setting back” its the reality. Women function off the essence of time, so we are well aware what we need to do to attain what we aspire for the future.
And it also a reality that black women seek a companion…. let not be oblivious… Women thrive for that… do we need it? No …do we want it from the ages of 24-30 ? yes. I agree that we are very much ahead with our achievements, however a male companion is what woman do look forward to. Whether you like it or not, its important. Maybe not our priority.. however finding that person is important to us. No generalizations here, just stating the reality.
P.S. I thoroughly agree with DKDC86′s response.
Ok. You had me up until “Men are naturally more intellectual…children with this college mate.” … O_o Really? That general, huh? …Then I continued and could only *lqtm* (laugh quietly to myself). …As a woman, I don’t think kids, picket fence, and house on the hill are immediate aspirations for a 21-22 year old.
Yes, women and men do tend to have different timelines. For instance women’s biological clock tend to shape their timeline of “settling down” (generally)–be married by 28 so they can have 1st child by 30–whereas men’s, I’ve been informed by men, timeline of “settling down” is shaped by their career (generally)–the idea of marriage & kids take a back burner until they are satisfied with career standing.
BUT with all that said, not many young women I know are in a rush to be pregnant for NINE months or embrace the responsibility/obligation of being a WIFE. Most of us do know that it’s not all “cloud9″ & “flowers”. It’s a commitment not to take lightly, a union that will shape not only our life, but our kids’ life, if we ever have them. It’s also fair to say that once we graduate from college, exploring the REAL world & ourselves is our desire. If in a committed relationship, having that loved one along for the ride, hey, is icing on the cake.
Men should stop ‘using love as if it’s some disease you just catch’. It kills me. Men want the comforts of our emotions–affection, tenderness, love, kindness, cheerleading, etc.–but then demote those emotions to a flaw that “cloud” our logic, our vision. You all don’t mind that “cloud” when it results in us seeing the best in you & therefore treat you accordingly. But as soon as that “cloud” results in us asking for more from you–some security, guarantees that this investment will be beneficial to us with some “profitable returns”, like love, commitment & a “ring on it”, such emotions are suffocating you. Puh-leeze.
The saying, “You’re gonna go to college & find your husband/wife” is not happenstance. I think we’ve all heard it. In that case, “Relationships in college ARE an accurate assessment of a sustainable relationship in the real world”, what could be the FOUNDATION of a sustainable relationship in the real world.
I look forward to the continuation of this post, but at this point, I think your viewpoint of women’s wants are skewed. I really dislike the generalizations. Young adults can be mature, and when in love, I’ve witnessed, are able to do things they never thought they could–like marry right out of college or soon after. AND be HAPPY. Satisfied. Fulfilled. Free. …Women aren’t trying to stifle you (men in general). A shame love, and dreams of creating in that love have to be deemed unintelligent & cloudy.
And as far as men not being on our level, you are on our level, IF you want to be. Act accordingly.
My take on this post/topic…….this day and age I have found more men that are “emotional”. Their vision of the future is clouded because they want to strive for the successful job and to “take over the world” but still want to find the “perfect mate”. It seems most men are just more selfish and stubborn when it comes to balancing the act of finding a career and a mate. They think that once they get that dream job and become financially stable that their soulmate will pop up, ready. Its like their balance & time management skills are misconstrued. Whats wrong with building a future together…whatever happened to that?? “I want to focus on my career” sounds like an excuse to me. Falling in love does NOT stop life.
Wow! LOL, this may have been the funniest thing I have read. It seemed like a generalization and a tad one-sided. I think the “To Be Continued” needs to be continued immediately to get more accurate responses from your readers…
No need to get in your bag ladies. we as men LOVE you all, and this article is to simply EDUCATE, and help bridge the gap between the male & female’s perspective on relationships at this point in our lives.
While we can all agree to disagree, at the end of the day, every male & female is different, THUS, every relationship encountered is different- agreed?
With that being said, men are SIMPLE! It comes down to every man only needs FIVE THINGS from a female in order to take that next step- whether it be from being friends to talking, talking to dating, or dating into marriage… if you (as a female) have these FIVE THINGS any man will give you what you want! And if he doesn’t then he’s not the man that you thought he was! ie. if he gives you excuses.
We all know there will never be the “perfect” time for a relationship b/c along with a relationship comes SACRIFICE, and no one really wants to do too much of that right now (just being real), UNLESS they truly have a good thing to lose. And guess what, if he doesn’t give you what you want… leave his ass! (bet that’ll make him reconsider).
**drum roll**
And here are the FIVE THINGS: (mind you this is still subjective)
1. God-Fearing
2. Attractive (along w/ that comes good hygiene)
3. Ambitious
4. Loyal
5. NOT A HOE! i repeat, NOT A HOE! **clears throat** for the last time, NOT A HOE!!!! that includes having relations w/ TWO or more dudes in the same crew.
Everything else such as knowing how to cook, being financially stable (which for a lot of yall is still coming through yalls parents, but it’s cool), or being a football fanatic are simply icing on the cake!
MIND YOU, the series isn’t done! So please just keep this in mind, we aren’t here to spark controversy; simply to enlighten.
so stay tuned… **evil laugh!!!**
…oh & did I mention males only really need 5 things? lol
PEACE
I know we all have our own opinions and viewpoints on everything in life, but I found this article pretentious, laden with generalities, and EXTREMELY chauvinistic. I think I understand where you were trying to go…but, you didn’t quite make it….Maybe the next chapter/volume?? It just baffles me that as a man, you reap benefits of this “cloudiness’ you speak of, selectively. When you have that emotional, nurturing, caring woman who is there for you, the “cloudiness” is okay, but when it comes to her wanting a relationship, all of a sudden it becomes a problem? That is HIGHLY obnoxious. The assertion that men are more intellectual thinkers when it comes to feelings, is just appalling.
As a woman who is in the 25& under age group and well on her way to obtain a degree on the doctorate level, I can tell you what the difference REALLY is. You may see it as just “thinking with our hearts” but what it really is, is being MATURE and future minded. Generally, women are planners who think past today/the present moment. The desire for a mate, is one that derives from us thinking about our future as a whole in a mature, well-rounded way. As a woman, I KNOW I can have it all so I am not sure what women you polled, asked, or probed for that statement on “taking on” versus “facing” the world.
When I fall in love, I do want it to be right, but I also don’t set limitations on myself. Who am I to say, oh no, I have to wait until whatever happens to find a mate? Where has that rule been written? The truth is, if a man(the ones I associate with) is established by 25, MOST,STILL would not settle down. Let’s call it what it is please, and stop masking the REAL issue in a cloak of “assumed intellectual superiority”. It’s insulting to my “inferior emotional intellect”.
All in all, as I previously stated, I GET IT, I really do, but perhaps your vernacular could have been a little less ignorant and a little more informed. I’m really still waiting to hear something that my father FORGOT to tell me…maybe even in his successful marriage of almost 30 years he missed something or just simply forgot to mention it?? I don’t know, but if he missed anything, I’m certain it wasn’t this.
@ShaiRich you hit the nail on the HEAD! Men and women don’t really differ much when it comes to emotion, it’s just the manifestation and display of such emotion that is different. And actually in almost every venue I have some across in my professional career, men have been proven to be extremely more impulsive, which is a display of emotion, by the way. Impulse is making decisions, based on emotion. Many people don’t know this, but this is why things like car insurance, and health insurance are more expensive for men, in general. And also, ShaiRich, you DEFINITELY got me with the “I want to focus on my career” as being an excuse a lot of the time. As individuals, a healthy life is one that is fulfilling/stable in EVERY area-really,what happened to accepting what may be a blessing in life??I laugh at the notion that the world and God operates on your(men) time.
@Locka, you make some valid points there
Hello ladies, let’s just relax for a moment and take a look at the mans perspective. Firstly, we are all subjected to our own opinions. No need to take offense. Disagree and keep it moving.
Let’s keep it real.
The supply of successful black men is coming up short. There are more black men in jail than in college.
I feel that women are constantly at competition with one another to find the perfect black man. It’s easy for a women to find a man and say she has a “good catch” because he’s intellectual, driven to be successful and respectful.
Think about it from a man perspective. There are so many beautiful black successful women in this world, black men have a variety to choose from so why should they consider settling down when there is much more to explore. Life has just began for them, why should they limit themselves this early in the game.
I feel that women know more about what they want in a man once they graduate college. Men are still struggling internally because there to prideful to keep it real with themselves. They look to there boys for advice/direction instead of there fathers(male influence) and wonder why they don’t feel fulfilled. These men are running on adrenaline and when playing the game gets old, they have to find young girls who can satisfy there simple needs because black women are angry and fed up.
Relationships during this period are pointless depending on the person. I agree with Locka every women and man is different.
Stone
I think some of this is just excuses… Yes everyone is entitled to their own opinion but at some point we need to be accountable. If we disagree.. It’s not enough to just disagree and keep it moving.. That does nothing. Conversations like this are good whether we agree or disagree because it helps to understand the way the other thinks and why we behave the way we do, whether we feel it’s right or wrong.
Honestly, conversations like these are getting old. So I will only touch on a FEW areas… When I read the title of this I thought I would be VERY enlightened, in that you claim to teach me something you feel my father or mother had not already… I was kind of disappointed like some others expressed in previous posts because this does not accurately reflect the mind state of many men, or women. Taking into consideration many of you are around the same age, and are ALL male, it is very one sided and misconstrued. However, It’s hard to not think this way when there has been such a huge generational shift in ideas on relationships.
As stated, many of the older married couples I know today met in college. My mom and dad met in high school, and survived college and careers just as many other people have. Maybe the problem has been “it’s all about ‘ME’ now.” What happened to making sacrifices for the one you claim to love instead of always putting career first?
Women are supposed to be nurturing and more emotional, hence we “think with our hearts” (which i do not completely agree with), but that should be no excuse to try and make us inferior to that of men.. because that’s the implications I’m getting from this.
Upon graduation, our minds should be focused on the future as a whole, and not just one aspect of it.. being a career. We need to learn to balance out the things that are important to us. Not too many people are going to keep coming second to a career.. And if your partner is with you for the right reasons, she/he will support your goals if he/she is not always coming second to it. You talk about men knowing how to make decisions that make the most financial sense, what about decisions that make the most sense period?
At the end of the day, neither sex could survive without the other, but somehow we could all survive without our careers and other worldly and material possessions. So this “let me go focus on my career and not be concerned about a lady right now” attitude is BS and I agree with an above statement that it is just an excuse. Yall need to find a new one. Quick.
Stone brotha u hit the Nail on the head (whatever that means) with your last paragraph…
I FEEL that girls from High School all the way up to about their 2nd semester Junior year of college think more-so with their emotions than with their brains when it comes to having a companion at that time. It isn’t until you start to become Women, maturing mentally and starting to shift your focus over to your plans AFTER college. Plans like trying to find a decent job, where you are going to be living and things such as this, that you start to think more logically. And before yall jump down my throat, I dare u to tell me you have NEVER made a decision based on emotion. Then when u think about when you did that, think about the age bracket you were in and then tell me I’m wrong. Now that being said, this is not to say that this is a negative poke at the female character or a generalization. Its a fact.
Not all women think based off of emotional impulse the majority of the time, but there are some that do. Just like not every nigga is afraid of commitment, but some are.
Which brings be to my next point. Sometimes yes, us men are guilty of falling into a VERY big comfort zone or “cloud” as yall call it of having a someone there for us and holding us down etc. then when a relationship is brought up, we seem to fall back. THIS COULD BE FOR 2 REASONS! 1.) MAYBE you are more than a good fuck but less than GIRLFRIEND material and he just don’t wanna wife you. or 2.) You are a very good woman to wife up BUT he is just not ready yet. NOT because he is afraid, but because he wants to make sure he is ready to be with you and not hurt you. Neither one of these things would be a good response if you said “So where are we going with this”, but 90% of the time they are the most accurate. **shrugs**
Shaina made a good point. Building a future together is the ideal way of life, well at least for me it is. HOWEVER not all women still find importance in this. Not every woman is a ride or die, through thick n thin, “baby its ok I’m here for you” type of woman. #ImJustSayin
Sorry for rapping yall up, but thats just a little of my opinion. Proceed
EVERYONE has made a decision based on emotions… the nature of human nature. We’ve all done it.
There is no general comments section on this website? Just wanted to say nice job.. well done…
Kudos to you @kellzbrzy.
You think that it is excuses and I think that it is reality.
Times have changed and making long term decisions when your young don’t last as long as they use to. There is a 50/50 percent divorce rate so something has got to give. Of course, any healthy relationship needs sacrafices and commitment. Just because a man is not ready for that doesn’t mean he is making a excuse. Honestly, I think he is being a great guy bc he is not gonna waste his time let along yours.
I sorry that you weren’t ENLIGHTENED (sincerely).
Again. Everyone is different
Stone
Just wanted to point out real quick.
1) Understand your parents (as well as mine) live in a completely different time frame 25-30 years ago. Times have changed drastically.
2) For every successful marriage you know, how many unsuccessful marriages do you know in the African American race?
Just jogging your brain. Carry on.
and SN: No matter how old you are or how much life experience you have, you can always learn something new. #JustSayin
#goodshit man. The best way to understand something even if you disagree is to listen and gain perspective. All of those talk shows and movies don’t reflect reality. Listening to real people and real like situation is the key. Open up your mind and let your mind be retaught.
Reality does not make it right.
But I see both of your points completely and I do appreciate them.
There is no right or wrong with this.. and there never will be.
Just learning to accept that it is what it is.
Good discussion. I’m done.
Can you guys stop saying in so many words “Ladies, calm down, do be offended. We all have opinions. Agree to disagree.” …We have the right to be offended and state that we are offended. With dialogue regarding the sexes there will always be debate. Opposing opinions. I don’t think any of these ladies are steaming mad–just a bit boggled by the writer’s generalizations. Let’s agree on this–the writer did a poor job of EDUCATing us. Maybe he could have brainstormed his lesson a bit more. I don’t think every reader is misconstruing what they read–especially when most commenters agree that it sounds chauvinistic and that the lesson (although short & is to be continued) made some really limiting generalizations. It would also be nice if you men would listen to these ladies–we’re all making very similar arguments–instead of telling us to calm down. Listen to us without demeaning us as simply being emotional. (As if that’s a bad thing anyways.)
I look forward to the rest of this lesson. I’m hoping to be satisfied & surprised (in a good way) by the direction he takes this.
OMG to this: “Think about it from a man perspective. There are so many beautiful black successful women in this world, black men have a variety to choose from so why should they consider settling down when there is much more to explore.” …*smh* Really? There is a “shortage” in “good” men, but I think men (in general–whether “good” or “bad”) use that as liberty to do what they really want to do, which is be the whores they don’t want their potential “wife” to be. Isn’t that something? …So because there’s a “shortage” us women are supposed to tolerate you all window-shopping & lay-a-waying ladies until you’ve ended your journey through the store? There are so many great women out here. Why can’t y’all find one & be satisfied with her; without trying to find out life without her, needing time to see where you wanna be? I can’t imagine you being Donell Jones is going to be acceptable to most women. Is it that hard to be satisfied? Why so scared that you’re missing out on something when all you need is right there at home, in your hands? Stop being so fearful. Ha, an emotion.
*LOL* @ “black women are angry” (These men are running on adrenaline… are angry and fed up.)
Bone’s reasons 1 & 2… WOW. If that’s the case fine, but you know what? Most times you guys aren’t “one hunnit” & don’t let that be known from jump. If a woman’s “more than a good fuck but less than GIRLFRIEND material”, but she is desiring, seeking, expecting a more than sex relationship with you, someone failed to let her know what the nature of this relationship was about. Thing is there are women who are ok with a “just sex” or “Buddy” relationship, but men, in fear of being rejected or the woman declining such a relationship, aren’t “one hunnit” with the woman & therefore don’t allow her to make a logical decision about the relationship. If she was given that opportunity she probably wouldn’t be so emotional when things don’t progress because she wasn’t expecting it to, she knew what it was from jump. And even if she catches feelings after knowing what it was, when you say “Hey, I said in the beginning I didn’t want a girlfriend,” she can say, “True” and just deal with it, take her losses. As far as reason #2, I think that was addressed in previous comments concerning “building a future together”. I will say I think men should have more faith in us & in themselves. You can satisfy us even if you don’t have it all together. As long as we see potential in you & see you striving in that capacity, we gotcha back. And when you seem to lose sight of your greatness, we can also be there to remind you, empower you, support you. Love in an intimate relationship is a team effort. We’re on your team.
This dialogue (although) old is still necessary. Men & women are different & yet so much alike. It’s saddening that we are so divided. Hopefully we can all walk away from this conversation and enlighten ourselves on how to close the gap.
p.s. Which of you wrote this blog post? I’d just like to know which comments belong to the writer.
“Relationships in college are not an accurate assessment of a sustainable relationship in the real world.”
In all the truth that this comment holds it can also be false which is what makes it debatable. The transition from self in college into the real word is a difficult task. We have all been sold a dream of how the real world works, and the majority of us realize (for those who have graduated) that as soon as we step out of commencement, life changes. College provides you with this blanket of security that the world snatches from you, leaving you to find alternate means of warmth. If this becomes a difficult transition for you, why wouldn’t it be a difficult transition for a relationship.
with that being stated, there is still that small percentage that graduate on time, find the perfect job, and carry out the rest of their dreams they’ve had since they could remember. Let me emphasize how SMALL that percentage is; therefore, the success rate of college relationships ( from my stand point) is just as small. Count on your hand how many successful relationships you admire from colleagues and friends that are STILL together…. i’ll wait.
But while I’m waiting for you to count I’ll continue…
There is really no need for any one to feel offended. I feel instead of attacking the post we should evaluate with the situation. Their comments were based off observations. As we all get older, we tend to see conversations solely revolving around relationships and careers. In all honestly, women tend to get more frantic having placed a time clock on their life. Graduate by 21-22, engaged my 23, married by 23 1/2, children by 25. And then you wake up at 23 and youre still single. ** panic attack ** I get it..
I know that there are some men that do feel the need to have that relationship, we as women have created a comfort zone for them because they see how frantic and sometimes desperate women get for love. They know there are hundreds of women to chose from, and it allows them to believe that when they are ready to find someone, they will magically appear. Why? Because they will. Not saying that will be the best possible match for them, but some… NOT ALL .. women will cling to a man of stature who is ready to settle down. Do men cling to women that are ready to settle down???
NO!!
By the way, I’m still waiting on those names of relationships…
All in all, you have to respect the post as much as you disagree with it because this is the view they have had the opportunity to see. Telling them they are wrong for believing what women will gravitate to isn’t the message that will solve this debate, more so educating them on the different levels women are on and exposing them to these ladies so they have something more to base their opinion on. Not all women are going to fit in this mold, however some will; not all men are the “black unicorn” even though they would like to believe that. They will deem themselves that with their future in sight ignoring the state of their current situation ( i.e. still looking for a job, living at home, not sure where to go next…etc) Some men give themselves too much credit.
Anything that can bring forth educated discussion and debate.. I’m down for.
idk where to begin..a lot of good stuff has been said & i can actually see both sides…the view of this post is slightly bias and not too accurate but it does hold truth for some..
that list of 5 things made me giggle…as a female all we really need is consistency & honesty…ppl always claim to keep it 100..but in all actuality they’re really not capable of that..truth hurts but a lie hurts worse..at the end of the day less harm is done when ur upfront and honest in the beginning..
let me touch on the guy not being ready comment:
~ its ok to not be ready..most guys aren’t ready until they’re about 28 or so anyhow..so thats not always looked at as an excuse..but if communication was better then both male & female could be on the same page more often than not…the guy understanding that just b/c a female wants to know where u both are in the current situ doesn’t always mean they r trying to force a commitment on u..she moreso just wants to be sure that she’s not misreading ur actions or not catching on to ur subtle hints that u two r progressing but the male just doesn’t know how to express that properly..
all of this always just balls down to communication..
its not that guys are “intellectual” with there feelings…{that is pretty hilarious to me}..its guys not being able to express themselves..thats what causes a huge communication gap later on down the line in the relationship.
I can see where your coming from miss royal, I am a female too. Alot of things are very clear to me because I realized certain things are not my battles to fight. I can’t answer why a man can’t be fulfilled or happy with one so I do not try to. I think alot of times women are very reliant on men. I don’t expect anything from a man or try to change them, when I realize that they don’t have what I’m looking for I keep it moving.
The balance between thinking with your heart and mind is crucial. Think to much with your heart you make irrational decisions and think too much with your mind you miss out on amazing opportunities. Sometimes we can’t control everyone so why stress about it? The balance makes everything easier and more realistic.
Focus on ourselves untill the day comes to meet Mr. Right
Miss Royal this may come to a surprise to you, but in an effort to not OD on the length of my previous post, I left out the part about men or women not keeping a hunned from the jump. I agree with your whole take on everything you said in you response to my 2 reasons, I just didn’t right it. HOWEVER most niggas think that keeping it a hunned in the beginning will keep them from getting to know the chic any further than after he says “Look im not really looking for a relationship right now. But I am feeling you so we can hang out, maybe be cutty buddies or whatever but a relationship aint in my plans”. A mature man who has been through some things will know that being up front like that will actually GAIN respect from the woman and more than likely she will probably end up rockin with him for being so upfront and honest. Or if she ain’t wit it, at least she can’t go around saying he played her. But unfortunately most men don’t think that way. It ain’t right or logical, but its fact. ALSO you painted a very good picture of how a woman SHOULD support her man, but just know thats NOT always reality. Thats all I’m saying.
Also just because a man may say he wants to explore his options, dose NOT mean he wants to go around being a hoe! It could just mean that he wants to make sure he is making the right decision with picking a mate and thats the only way he feels he can do so. Again, may not be the most logical, but its fact.
also yes you women do have a right to feel some type of way about this post lol I wont argue that. HOWEVER that does not mean its ok to make assumptions on what we are trying to say either. And yes we are a group of 18 MEN, but that don’t mean we don’t have the capability of looking at things from a woman’s point of view as well…
It doesn’t come as a surprise. I trust that you (we all) are being honest. *smile*
…
Apology accepted. *lol* No. I hear you. In truth, we ALL are making some generalizations, ’cause, hey, we can’t speak for everyone & for every circumstance. BUT we can try to come to a consensus. And I think that’s what I enjoy most about this. With that said, all that the 18 MEN said I didn’t disagree with–I just made a point of only addressing viewpoints I strongly disagreed with. No point saying “I agree”. You know?
Being honest when it comes to matters of the heart (or emotions), men, is ALWAYS best. I think most women would agree that we’d prefer an ugly truth than a pretty lie. Because lies, being played hurts much more than being rejected. Upfront. Or even offended that you’d think we’d just have sex with you, no strings attached. …The worst that can happen is we’ll say “no”. So just be honest.
As far as that picture I painted, you’re right. Most of the women who took time to comment on this blog are probably those women who would support her man as such. But there are a great many who doesn’t. (Like this, that is also a complex reality.)
And yes, a man who wants to explore his options isn’t no more a hoe than a woman who date multiple men at once. (I said “date” not “have sex with”.) …I guess, I was referring to men who aren’t informing the women they entertain that they are exploring their options. Again, just be honest with us. We CAN handle the truth. *smile*
As much as I agree & disagree with all that has been said I REALLY enjoy this discussion. Always will enjoy such dialogue. I one day hope to be a marriage & family therapist (for Black families in particular), so I’m personally soaking all this in because even in the arguments I disagree with there are answers.
You’ve all gained a new “follower”. Again, looking forward to the continuation.
Take care.
I personally disagree starting at the first sentence. I think there is a lot to be gained from
relationships during college years. There are a lot of people that built the foundation for their relationship during the college years. Speaking from personal experiences, I learned ALOT of valuable lessons and knowing what NOT to do is just as beneficial as knowing what to do.
I find it a little off putting that you make it seem as though women, possesing this disease of emotion, are incapable of coherent thought. You CAN think and feel at the same time and honestly I’m not sure if emotion could be left out of a decision like that on either part…depending on where their relationship is at the end of college. The only time I can see women thinking of children and family, at that time, as a flaw is when she starts planning for those situations in her own mind without knowing how the man feels. Acting based on what she HOPES may one day be versus what IS. If they’ve had this discussion together already…then
why wouldn’t she and HE consider these things?? I have friends that made plans during college to get married upon graduation and did just that. Wouldn’t you both need to take your relationship into consideration when thinking about career moves?? Why is that just a female thing?? With relationships comes sacrifice, and I’m guessing this is where your cloud comes in lol. You see us moving to Ohio (just throwing a random state out there) where your career is as lack of vision versus sacrifice. For SOME, yes, it could be aimless love. I wont negate that but, if we made plans to start a family and I choose to follow your lead, I don’t necessarily see that as having a foggy head.
I just have to honestly say there is a lot subtle cockiness in this post…im not sure whether you noticed or intended it to be that way. I’m trying my best to ignore it since if I state an opinion I’ll be deemed overly excited and in need of chill pill lol.
I don’t get the black widow thing either…even after you explained it the second time. That
actually made it worse. If that’s what you’re going to label me, I need to know what it means, only I’m taking over the world too lol. But anyway, in my opinion, this whole male vs. female argument is pretty vintage. I think the differences have long been recognized and will NEVER change. I think now, we need to work on understanding, accepting, and appreciating those differences. That’s a more effective conversation that can lead to more solutions. I don’t want to be like you all and I dont want you all to be like me…I just need you to try to understand me and vice versa. Two like pieces of the puzzle will never be a good fit.
Hmmmm…I think the “Black Unicorn” is not as rare as it seems. Me as a stable black woman, I strive to put myself around like-minded individuals and I only consider men in that matter, lol. And the Black Widow? Come onnnnn..what my Pops told me was to stay an independent black woman and not to count on a man for shit. I didnt go to college to meet a man, I didn’t go to college to turn around and settle down. Marriage? Eh. It’ll come.
I refuse to believe men want to be succumbed by a woman that’s so ready for domestication. However, some people want that but men who are Men handle what they need to handle first before bringing another person along for the journey. In my opinion, this entry is a generalization of the jaded. Everyone falls in love at some point, it’s how you handle those emotions that set you apart from the weak minded and inexperienced.
Tell the females to find THEMSELVES first before finding a suitor aka “black unicorn”. Same advice goes to these men out here too.
Hell, call me the Black Unicorn, I’m nothing like these desperate bitties you speak of.
Keri M. Agreed.