Volume 2
AGE AINT NOTHING BUT A NUMBER
Black Unicorn =males btw 23-28 yrs old
Black Widow= females btw 23-28 yrs old
Now, the first thing that you must understand is that Black Unicorn is a very rare species. Percentage wise there are not a plethora of college educated black men that are focused, have a financially stable career, no kids and no record. This is a BIG part of the reason that the Black Widow has such a difficult time finding the “man of her dreams”. Next, you must understand that the Black Widow in this sense is not meant to have a negative connotation. She is actually a very mentally strong being who is capable of being independent. Now, back to the scenario.
Of course a relationship that starts in college has the potential to last but the fact of the matter is MOST do not. Generally speaking this is due to the fact that men don’t come to college with the mindset of “I have to find my wife while I’m in school.” If it happens that’s cool but that isn’t our main objective. Then once faced with the real world after graduation males really begin to focus on a career while some women (Not All), because of the approaching age of 25 and up begin to think about a family.
Post-Grad
BLACK WIDOW is trying to chase her career down but is equally as focused on locking down a potential husband because a good man is hard to find. This mentality puts the Black Widow into a panic because they don’t want to be the lonely old lady with the cats. Not to mention an ever-ticking biological time clock.
She has been told from a young age that she needs to find herself a good man, have this immaculate wedding and to do it all before it is too late. But too late is never clearly defined, and at what cost? Her lowering her standard and going with the SAFE GUY? (the safe guy will be defined in part 3) or her constantly pressuring her boyfriend to commit to her long term?
The Black Widow is in search of that career but also that suitable husband and father of her children as well as financial stability. Other logical necessities fall to the waist side to the pursuit of a lifetime partner. Many times in this sort of desperate battle she settles for any man that appears to want to be seriously committed. With this blind pursuit to a dream that may or may not happen she often finds herself single, lonely because men her age PLAY GAMES. This female often looks to date older men who “know what they want”.
She is constantly feeling the pressure of friends getting engaged having children and from the looks of it having a great relationship with their prospective partners. She too wants this life. Many of the time the Black widow is envious of someone else’s misery:
- The woman with the child before the wedding?
- The friend who is engaged but the fiancé doesn’t have a job or education, and who may not be faithful?
- Or the girl who has been in the same relationship since high school living with her boyfriend but is no where near getting married?
- The Black widow does not take into account that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
BLACK UNICORN gets into the real world and start to focus on his career by obtaining a stable job. Then starts to try and get into a better financial state all the while chasing other dreams. Getting his credit score higher and paying off debt are some of his short-term goals while every thing else, even women fall lower and lower on his priority list. Men have no ticking biological time clock.
He is constantly reminded by his parents to take his time in choosing a woman because women will always be there, but a great career opportunity wont. Like my father always said “you will lose a lot of money chasing women, but you wont lose women chasing money”. With the priority of a serious relationship becoming less and less important this man finds himself wanting to have fun, live life.
When it comes to a successful relationship, timing is EVERYTHING. I think Hill Harper said it best when he said, “Look for the potential in your future partner.” Now by all means I’m sure he does not mean women need to be waiting around forever for Mr. Right to get Right, but just understand that maybe he is preparing himself (in more ways than one) to make that next step in life. The Black Unicorn can never take the Black Widow serious until he is at a solid financial state; this may happen sooner than later depending on his financial aptitude. If you are a Black Widow who is strong enough to give a man this time to grow and not cause drama, not pressure him to settle down not pressure for a ring and actually contribute to him being a better person and financially then you may have the GOLDEN TICKET under the candy bar and be rewarded with a ring.
To Be Continued…
I (strongly) believe in the law of attraction.
Everyone needs to put out what it is that he or she may expect back.
Both parties need to be entirely prepared.
Black women:
Understand that if you find the “perfect man” at 24, you are likely not properly prepared mentally/emotionally/spiritually for the “perfect relationship”.
Have you learned to be alone without being lonely?
Have you learned what it is that you want or need in a long lasting relationship?
Do you want to be married, or do you want a wedding?
Do you honestly feel like there’s nothing else you want to learn and experience for yourself as a single woman?
Black men:
Take a second look at your priority list and learn to multi-task.
Know yourself (though this may be a less complicated task for you)
and evaluate your wants needs & futures.
Men do drag their feet with this. And although they don’t have a dying fixed reservoir of baby making missiles, they still are getting old.
Do you want to be 60+ when your children go to prom?
How do you think the family dynamics will be? Do you think about that?
Well think about it now, and take another look.
My Sister(in-law) ALWAYS told me even considering marriage before 25 is foolish.
I agree with her.
But it shouldn’t be so difficult.
Let’s open the lines of communication between each other.
Yikes ^^ that was a lot.
BUT one more thing.
(I heard in a documentary recently that)
If there were no imprisoned black men, they were all college educated, and straight -
NUMBER WISE there still would not be enough for all the black women in America.
So at what point are you not “settling” and just being realistic?
and
How does interracial dating alter this dynamic and in whose favor?
I recently watched a video from CNN I believe and it said that there are more than 1.2 million black women than there are black men. So it would be like 1 out of 12 black women would be able to marry a black man and thats in a perfect world. But realistically that pool of black men is even smaller due to black men being in jail, dead by 21, no high school degree, or gay.(not including the other standards that some women add on like skin tone, height, profession, type of car he drives, where he lives, etc..) So that leaves you to choose from how many black men now???? Good luck with that.
its crazy how this post continues to identify the male as ideal and the female gets classified as dependent on a male more and more…
the way roles have reversed nowadays, it is the female that is the career driven one holding the family down, including her male companion. how many females do you know nowadays living at home, having no transportation, with no degree, avg 5yrs to graduate, and financially advanced? ratio is 1:5.
the female doesn’t end up being the one to settle b/c as u stated for the male “timing is everything”. so that means when the guy hits his peak no matter how many good females he has passed up the one he ends up with is the average sometimes below that plays the role she is given and is more than likely not his ideal. the ideal chick more than likely didn’t have time to stick around for the bs, b/c the ideal chick doesn’t take the same crap over and over.
have u ever thought that maybe the female doesn’t look at marriage as a priority nowadays b/c so many ppl around her (i.e. her parents, aunts, uncles etc) are put in that category of “divorce”. so maybe just maybe the female doesn’t look at marriage as something thats happily ever after so focuses her energy on herself. her career, her finances, her future. a guy is always a great addition but that isn’t the focus. i understand this is just “general” however, the females nowadays have seen so much bs they are moreso fed up, scorned or what have u and no longer know the meaning of “happily ever after”.
what i will agree with is that some guys do prefer to have their finances intact before committing to the “i do’s”. you can’t go into a marriage in debt or close to it. however, the male doesn’t explain it to it that way to their female counterpart so she never understands, unless she has a great platonic male figure, brother or father in her life to show that to her.
but kudos on the post i look fwd to what is yet to come
This is great. I’ll wait for a man that I see potential in while he is trying to become financially stable and figure out what he really wants before trying to bring me in the picture… as long as I feel like he won’t keep me waiting forever. In the mean time, recognizing while he has things he needs to figure out, so do I. And as a woman, sometimes that’s hard to admit because we all want to feel like we have everything together and that men don’t. Or that we will magically have our lives figured out as soon as we get one.
No matter what our priorities are, along with timing, I think the main thing is PERSONAL happiness because a relationship won’t work if we are trying to find happiness in our mate no matter how strong we appear as a Black Widow or Black Unicorn. Just as the “Black Unicorn” is not trying to rush into a relationship because of his own aspirations.. I don’t think women should either because a lot of times… we are not truly emotionally ready for a REAL relationship when it’s rushed. This is no different for men.
Yeah we have a ticking time clock, but I refuse to purposely (accidental pregnancies happen) bring a child into the world if I don’t even have it all together yet. It’s better to wait, than to struggle your whole life because you wanted to rush things as a 23-28 year old.
Honestly, when it comes to “you wont lose women chasing money, but you’ll lose money chasing women” … Men have it hard. Women love a man with money, but the second she starts to feel she is coming second to his pursuit of it… We get mad. Lol. A women who is really for her man & not what he has… this doesn’t so much apply. Believing you can’t find happiness in the amount of money you have, she’ll be content with you as you are.. As long as you aint super broke.
And I believe women will always be viewed as being dependent on a man… Maybe we should stop looking at it as a negative thing. And considering we are STILL getting paid less than men for the same jobs.. It’s understandable why people say or think this. Traditionally, the man is the “head of the household”… This doesn’t mean women aren’t strong, or can’t hold their own weight, just means our roles in society are different. I think a woman should be able to be independent, and have her own.. But at the same time, let a man feel like he can be a man for you.
First, I have to say that I don’t think good black men are as rare as you think…and even if a man possesses those things that you list…college education, career, no kids, no records…doesn’t mean he’s the cream of the crop as far as relationships go. I’ve seen men with all those things treat women in their lives pretty bad so I wouldn’t be so quick to put men with just these qualities on such a high pedestal.
It sounds like you’re insinuating that women come to school with the goal of finding a husband?? In my personal experiences and with my female friends, I know no one that had that general goal. Who did you survey for these conclusions? We focus on our careers too once we graduate lol. Just because we want to have a family one day, doesn’t mean we sit around twiddling our thumbs and daydream about it all day. C’mon. You just make us sound real weak,
lame, and thirsty. If you’re referencing a particular group of women, then you need to state
that instead of extrapolating what you found with one segment to the collective whole.
As a 25 year old woman, I am NOT equally focused AT ALL on “locking down” a man. SMH at locking him down…*sigh*. Yes, most women…if not PEOPLE in general…want someone to grow old with but, I think its extremely inaccurate to say that that fear drives most women and plagues our minds. Who is panicing? I’m very focused on raising my credit score, stacking money, owning real estate, starting my own business and more than all of that, serving my God. And I don’t see where you point out any flaws in this “Black Unicorn”…you just slam the women left and right but there’s a reason/excuse whatever you want to label it, for everything the man does. But thats to be expected when this is all coming from a man…a young one at that. I praise God everyday that he missed me with a baby because I made awful decisions to where I could’ve gotten pregnant, I’m also not ready for what the role of wife entails…that’s heavy stuff. I do want these things one day..but, it’ll come in His time and, in the meantime, I’m not going to kill myself worrying about it. What you say may fit
some…but just be clear, not all…i don’t even think it’s close to all.
Also, I don’t depend on man. I depend on God. It ain’t nothing you or I could possess/do that He didn’t first allow us to. I’m created to be your helpmate, your equal complement. So being told I’m dependent on a man will always be negative for me. And statistics, ironically for me, don’t matter. I’m around young, married black women all the time…but the news only likes to point out the negative and stats can be skewed.Also, it needs to be taken into account that not ALL black people limit themselves to only marrying other black people.
In your first paragraph you state “the black widow is not meant to have a negative connotation…she is actually mentally strong” but, in the 3rd paragraph of post-grad that ain’t hardly the woman you’re describing….BLAH get off your high horse and go humble yourself lol. You fellas out there in relationships with strong black women please do speak up!!
raaaaappin lol
AMEN to j…u…s…t… about everything you said. You said things I thought, but didn’t say. *smile*
Women don’t come to college with the mindset of “I have to find my husband while I’m in school. …I think you’re really limiting us. And it’s understandable. How are we perceived in media? THIRSTY. How many articles and tv specials in the last 2 years alone have we read/viewed entitled “Black Women Can’t Find A Good Black Man”? How many shows, movies are infiltrated with “ROMANCE”? Even your action-packed, “man” movie. Take note next time you pick up a magazine or watch a movie/tv. I mean, it’s everywhere, so this notion that we are focused on being a girlfriend/wife only seems real. It’s not. …And yet it is. But I think it’s life imitating art–women wanting to be the girl on the tv screen or magazine ’cause society says “You’re of value, if you have a boo or a slew of admirers”. (Same goes for men.) …Furthermore, let’s consider one of our first socialization agents–other than family & community–TOYS. Girls had their Barbie and what did she come along with? Her Malibu Beach House and what else? KEN. Little boys had their Superman and Batman and what did they do? Take over the world (in a sense) by saving humanity, which I’m sure reinforces the idea that men can’t possibly be a boyfriend/husband unless he can provide his lady with a sense of security/safety. Superman & Batman had love interests, but… they often played second fiddle to their mission. Girls play house. Boys play sports. Both recreations, I believe shape us–girls to be responsible homemakers, motherly to their baby doll, and visit their girlfriends for tea; boys to be carefree and rambunctious, and have fun with their homeboys. Couple that with the standards/expectations of family & society and it’s sure to mirror the same ideals.
As far as that biological time clock, there’s some truth to that. …I’ve personally decided to put faith in God, the true Father of time, therefore if I don’t have my 1st child until I’m 35, if I’m meant to have that baby, I will. Regardless of science. (“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived…”. You feel me?) And such mindset has altered even my “timeline” regarding marriage. Maybe other women can adopt it.
You might have a point here: “Many times in this sort of desperate battle she settles for any man that appears to want to be seriously committed.” Men may need 5 things from women, but women only need 2, maybe 3: Consistency, Persistence, and a Sense of Self-worth. So, yeah, if he appears to want to be seriously committed (he’s consistent & persistent) & he complements her life (he’s a positive addition to her life–most likely ’cause he’s a man who knows his worth & acts accordingly–GREAT), why not settle down with him? But why does that choice have to be a matter of settling down in a negative, desperate connotation? She can possibly be happy with dude.
Funny how “Age ain’t nuthin’ but a #”, but you make a statement like “men her age PLAY GAMES”. I don’t want to believe that blanket statement, but I do believe many men our age also use that stereotype to their advantage–to not be held accountable for their relational shortcomings. I mean, “He’s a man,” right? …I do believe that women REALLY shape and mold the way men behave in relation to us. As long as women expect men to just be “a man”, they will continue to just be “a man”. I used to say that on A&T’s campus. Girls’ll get mad at ways boys approach them. (Yes, girls & boys.) You TEACH them how to approach you–with respect & please, with their pants up. If we were to ignore such guys and gave our time & energy to guys who approached decently, those who do not would recognize that and get in tip-top ship-shape. But I digress. [Note: "Games" are the acts of men with child-like mindsets, therefore making them boys.]
“She is constantly feeling the pressure of friends…” There are more of us single than not. There’s not that much pressure from friends. Just maybe the natural desire to love & be loved, and create in that love–whether it’s a committed “single” relationship or marriage. And to meet the standards of society I mentioned above.
“women fall lower and lower on his priority list” & yet he usually wants them around. The more I read this post, the more I conclude this is a communication issue, more so than a gender issue. Can we agree that although this man may not want a woman for keeps, he do like them around for company, for “fun”? …Ok, we agree. Women, or the Black Widow, probably have the same mindset at this time of her life of self-exploration, and world TAKE OVER. *smile* But often times, that man is guilty of blurring the lines. They are friends (and may be attracted to each other) and genuinely enjoy the friendship & are satisfied with just being friends. BUT it’s usually the guy crossing the line–flirting, asking explicit sex questions, maybe even touching her in a way that FRIENDS don’t touch each other. If the woman is enjoying him on the basis of him just being him & he’s attractive, she feels safe/comfortable with him… then such signs (or ACTIONS) may give her the impression that he’s interested in crossing the line of friendship to something more. Something she may not be opposed to. It’s bound for the dynamics of the relationship to change, if her perspective of what is taking place has altered. Can you blame her? He went there, right? The thing is some of y’all want to have your cake & eat it, too. Y’all want the comforts of intimacy, but want to keep the relationship in the confines of “friends”. Most women can’t do that. I don’t know many women who can be a “buddy” and not ever eventually desire to be more than sex & receive more than sex from the man. In fact, I can say I know none. I don’t. I do know some who put on a good front to mask emotional/mental/spiritual fractures, but that’s not the same. Sex for women will ALWAYS result in emotional ties. PERIOD. …I can’t say it enough. Make it plain from the JUMP. Period. Then there won’t be any of this “we’re on two different levels”, “we want different things” talk. Men & women need to communicate. Be it that women tend to be great at that–look at the length of my comment!–I’d say men are falling short. Stop being scared, yo. *smile*
Hill Harper’s right, “Look for the potential in your future partner.” And women do just that. Hence we, generally, don’t let age get in the way of love & the commitment that can be fostered from it. Because if we see you to be AWEsome today–with mediocre credit, mediocre job, mediocre knowledge of self and yet SEE that you are striving to obtain your full POTENTIAL (meaning it has yet to be obtained), we don’t have to consider other men to know if this is where we want to be because we see who you are & who you CAN be & we want you, bay-be. That’s why the idea of “building a future together” doesn’t seem absurd. We’re just hoping that you choose us–despite the fact that we’re still striving to fulfill our potential and life’s purpose–and have a little more faith in yourself. (You’re capable of so much.) …Have you ever thought that wanting you in our lives is a selfish desire and not a desperate attempt? Who wants to be with just “anybody”? Not you. And definitely not us. So don’t take our vision of a future with you as a means to be a nuisance, or to wreck your flow; it’s a compliment, we see greatness in you. So you’re right, who wouldn’t want him?
Again, if men & women put as much effort into getting to know each other–their life-long wants & desires (not the sexual ones) we wouldn’t be in these relationships feeling pressured or played.
Remember: You shouldn’t look for a wo-/man to complete you but one to complement you.
Shan- If good black men are not rare then why is it that 70% of black women are single (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyiMKmVlf4w) and 42% of successful black women are single? The answer to that question is very simple, it’s because black women out number black men by a hell of a lot. And After you eliminate all of the guys who dont live up to the essential standards of being a “Good Man” I am sure you would feel differently about your statement.
Miss Royal- I would have to disagree with your statement. A woman should not only compliment a man, but she also will complete him if she is the right woman. Not even Adam was a complete being until GOD saw fit to give him a companion, and along came Eve.
Mmmm… Eve was a companion to Adam, a helpmate. To be someone’s companion isn’t to make someone complete. My point is that we shouldn’t expect a man or woman to make us whole. Can a man or woman be an ADDITION to our life & assist us in our growing? Be a contribution to our life’s joy? Yes. But to expect ANYONE to complete us, as if without them we’d be incomplete, I believe is not healthy.
Many women tend to look at having a man as the end all, be all of being fulfilled. Hence that question of “Do you want a wedding or a marriage?” Some people believe that having a man or woman is going to be the answer to all their life’s lack. That shouldn’t be the case. “One” (i.e. me) has to be the magic number before “The one” (i.e. a man or woman companion) is the magic number.
p.s. The Bible doesn’t state that marriage was the ultimate blessing. Yes, it states “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” & “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.” But the helper doesn’t have to always be in the form of a wife & a man who never finds a wife is no more favored than a man that did find one. A wife (or husband) is such an intimate role and/or gift that it is a blessing to have it; for no relationship (other than the one you have with God) can be that intimate. With that said, truth is many people won’t ever marry, but that doesn’t make them cursed by God. Singleness is not a curse. Michelle Mckinney Hammond speaks on this a bit. Hence, being complete has very little to do with a union between two people. When the Bible states “they are no longer two, but one.” (Matthew 19:6) or “and the two will become one flesh” (Mark 10:8) it isn’t stating that the two were halves until they joined with another. It’s stating that two separate (1 + 1 = 2 [I'm not trying to be patronizing]) individuals become one in their union of man and wife because as husband & wife there’s no beginning or end regarding the two. The wife is just as much her husband as her husband is just as much his wife. (Which is somewhat addressed in 1 Corinthians 7:4 “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.”) …So yeah, you can be one on you’re own until you become one with someone.
What miss royal said…she pretty much covered it all lol. I’ve seen all the news stories, statistics etc on the same ol woe is black woman, she’ll likely never be married topic. I live by what God reveals to me as His will for my life and refuse to wallow in the mire. If there were 5 million women and 3 men on earth and He desired for me to have a husband…I’d have one so *shrug*…my statement remains the same. What’s also funny is that black men feel they have such an advantage with the numbers…there may be a lot of women out here…but not a lot of wife material.
**2 snaps** for miss royal…..what she said!
*SIGH* ok…so I tried to read pt 2 w/an OPEN MIND…and I did…but the MAJOR thing that stuck out for me and ,yes, it does hit close to home and couldn’t be any more wrong…I have a child and am single/unmarried…but honey, there is NO misery ANYWHERE in my life. I have a wonderful family, and great friends, I make more money than most people 30+ make, and I am 25…In 2 years, I will have MD, behind my name, and I take care of my child by myself. I am GOD fearing, HAPPY, attractive,kind, polite, physically fit, nurturing, intelligent, and so on and so forth(not even trying to be conceited). What makes you assume a woman unmarried with a child is in misery?? You can’t be serious…
And again, there is an air of superiority and inferiority here. You think women PANIC if they don’t have a mate?? REALLY?? The only things that I “panic” about are, passing my classes, getting my medical license, and raising a wonderfully stable and happy child. But a man?? PANIC?? *silence* I love men, I really do, but guess what, if God has “the one” for me when I’m 50, so be it! It would be nice to have someone, but either way, my 7 figures will be made, I will have the BEST kid ever, and I will continue to praise and love God. Honey, that mark you are trying to meet…has been missed…again…
I love it! *high five*
Did it ever occur to people that some women CHOOSE to be single? Not all of us desire a mate.. and not all women seek men.. Some seek women. So I wouldn’t be surprised if that statistic was jaded by a lot because not everywhere in this country do we recognize women being with women as having a spouse..
But then again the number of gay men.. and men on the DL may have a lot to do with it.. Can we get a post about that? Why men feel they need to be on the DL……… Since you are all men.. You may be better at trying to enlighten us on that instead of your point of view on the way women think..
But again, although it seems a lot of people find a lot of fault in this post also, I think it’s a big step up from the first.
I truly wish every female can read this article. I wish woman could understand that your independence are apart of the glory days. I hear women talk about how they can’t wait until they get married and have children and these women are as young as 20 years old. Women don’t understand how powerful, and independent they can be. I grew up with a mom who told me before you get married and have children you start your career and remain independent through it all. Till this day marriage and children are the furthest thing from my mind. Ultimately this is history just repeating itself. Society has forced women to get married and have babies since the beginning of time, or be shunned. We’re the baby makers and housewives. One day I hope women can stop thinking Betty Crocker and start thinking Betty Friedan.
1st off I would like to say that this was grammitically painful to read(Firefox has an built-in spell check). Who is the editor? Secondly, I feel as though this post is very sexest and close-minded. Although there is some validity to the points being made it also assumes a lot of things about the female gender that I’m sure they would not agree with. Case in point, I don’t believe there is a consensus “time to start thinking about a family!” thought that females have around the age of 25. These posts are belittling women. It’s pretty obvious even from a guy’s point of view.
If this post was intended to strike up conversation and debate with women. Then mission accomplished. If not…
So this morning I was reading this book “The Young Lady in Waiting” & it’s 1st chapter covered some of my comments. I was going to share them here, but decided to do so on my blog because hey, I’m lengthy. *smile* If interested, check it out! Hopefully it blesses you. (http://royalbynature.blogspot.com/2011/05/waiting-for-love-i-already-have.html)
So far, the moral of the story here is that men should stick to what they know and refrain from impressing their frail and equivocal (and seemingly uninformed) opinions on this “Black Widow.”
Mmm…
I feel like this is an debate as old as time, the black widow.. the old maid … the spinster… the manless/childless woman has always been a stigma broadcast to terrify women and inflate men… but what i really would like… is for a man to name the opposite of the aforementioned without using the word “wife” because thats what it always leads to — we don’t marry ourselves fellas. Why is it that when we, as women, do/enjoy everything that makes a man happy in his singlehood, happiness is more of a misnomer than a compliment? and who said that in the process of attaining our personal, educational, or professional goals settling down is top of the list? It would take more than a special person in my life for me to pump the breaks and make the necessary concessions… yall must know that right? I really think that you are forgetting the real truths behind what this “unicorn” ideal really lends itself to. As something so rare and so “powerful” one must understand that the true release of full potential is only made possible by the meeting of its match.
When do we get the “unicorn” status we are rightfully due? we were in made in your image, right?
[...] for this phenomenon could point back to the shortage of quality men for girls to choose from. *See “Black Unicorn” post* But then you still have a bunch of cynical women out there who purposely seduce men that are [...]