Just A Friend
What do you do when you’re chillin’ watching tv with your lady, you’re on one couch and she’s on the other when you hear that infamous iPhone incoming text tone and you know it’s not your phone because you still own a wackberry… all of a sudden she is giggling and grinning looking at her incoming text. Thinking its something innocent you decide to ask, “What’s so funny?” Her reply is, “Oh nothing, it’s just my friend James, you know the one I had told you about…” You might smile for the moment but you will probably be thinking about it for the rest of that evening. The “just a friend” dilemma is one that has been debated for years and with good reason.
So, should you have a close friend of the opposite sex once you get in a serious relationship? In almost all cases I would have to say no. I figured I would play ‘Devil’s Advocate’ on this post but honestly I can only think of a few situations where an opposite-sex friend won’t create an unfavorable situation for the spouse.
Communication is always key when it comes to situations like this. But even then you have to be strategic about the way you handle it. The reason most guys are not comfortable with their girl having an opposite-sex friend is because they themselves would probably abuse a similar relationship if the tables were turned. And the reason most women don’t want their man to have an opposite-sex friend is because they don’t trust these hoes!
Now we can talk about having trust in a relationship and all that good stuff, but the reality is almost everyone gets insecure from time to time. I’m not talking about the overly jealous people but a good boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife should do what they can to not give the significant other a reason to question their integrity. If you are close friends with someone from the opposite sex you need to disclose that info from the beginning of the relationship. Don’t just pop up one day after yall have been dating for a year and say something like “My friend James is in town and wants to know if it’s cool to take me to lunch today?” HELL NAHH!
Personally when it comes to a serious relationship that “Just a friend” ish is some BS. If I was married my wife would not need “close guy friends” and I don’t need “close girl friends”. I just think it’s kind of inappropriate especially if you don’t know the nature of the relationship. I’m not saying completely cut your friends off but he/she should understand the boundaries that come with a relationship and be cool with that. Now that ya’ll know how I feel about the topic I wanna know your feelings on it. What are yall thoughts on the “just a friend” issue?
-Chei
I do think it’s hard for males and females to be just friends, unless there is no physical attraction between them. I used to be one of those females who thought my guy friends didn’t look at me in that way. It wasn’t until very recently that I discovered that these “just friends” scenarios are very uncommmon. I know firsthand now…
I strongly agree with the last paragraph. I overheard an older guy talking about his marriage one day. He was telling a somewhat younger guy about how he and his wife don’t have separate friends of the opposite sex. He has his close guy friends and she has her close female friends, and that’s it! Any friends of the opposite sex are mutual friends. Ideally that’s what I want, or at least something close to it…
~TIP~
This is sooooooooo true, it is something i have been debating for years…and truth is, if you are in a relationship…there is NO NEED for a CLOSE friend of the opposite sex bc it is MESSY! We are human, and humans get attatched and catch feelings..especially if you find your close friend to be attractive, on top of her friendly qualities.
I TOTALLY agree with this post!!!! Given that I am a female and a girlfriend . I am very aware of women’s intentions, especially when it comes to a man.. They may not always desire him, however most know what they are doing, when they are “just the friend” I’m glad you focused on both sexes because it’s ironic some guys expect you to be okay with them having female friends. If the girl has a male friend, it becomes an at the issue beginning of the relationship or not. Resulting in the girl feeling guilty and ending the friendship with her guy friend. It’s not fair. I say try your best to introduce these friendships to your significant other so they know exactly who they are. However, at the end of the day, your friend of the opposite sex should not be texting and calling everyday anyway… Especially if your relationship gets more serious. If they are a true friend they will understand and respect that…
This topic is very touchy, but in a way, I agree with you to a certain point! “Close” is relative and “Friend”, in some instances, is relative as well. You hit it on the ball when you said “the NATURE of the relationship.” I have a couple (very LIMITED) males that I consider to be like my brothers-In this case, we will always be friends; however, we all know when to RESPECT the whomevers significant other! Boundaries need to be layed out because little things can send indirect messages.
Also, something to keep in mind. I completely agree with your statement on “Personally when it comes to a serious relationship that “Just a friend” ish is some BS. If I was married my wife would not need “close guy friends” and I don’t need “close girl friends”, but to take it a little further, if you and your signficiant other/spouse are in a sense best friends, there really is no need for an extreme amount of “closeness.” If your spouse is more in tune and close with his/her opposite sex friend, maybe there are some other underlying issues that may need to be addressed! (Again, every situation is different but just something to think about)
GREAT BLOG!
-Bellz
This post was good and funny lol. There really isn’t a such thing as “just a friend.” I mean if you in a serious relationship what do u need a close friend of the opposite sex for? Shouldn’t your partner filled that void of needing a friend from the opposite sex. If this isn’t the case then maybe one should reevaluate their relationship. Being in a relationship your partner should be not only your lover but your best friend/homegirl/homie/everything you need all in one. I think the “just a friend” only causes problems one thing tends to lead to another. You never kno what people real intentions are. It’s not about trust or being insecure its just a matter of respect for your partner. Why give them the misery of wondering what could be goin on in this so “just a friend” relationship. In a good successful relationship there should be no need for a “just a friend” with somebody of the opposite sex.
what yall think?
Yes agreed. Actually, I’ve heard once you’re married, a couple has their set of friends ; the guy has his friends and the women has hers, and the rest are other married couples. This ” just friends” phase is basically out of the door.
im one that isn’t against friends of the opposite sex..i believe that it is possible…like one person said boundaries are important and at the end of the day thats what it all comes down to..
one of my best friends is a male..and now he is married but even when it was just the bf/gf status i was always mindful of the unspoken rules..there are communication times in which u follow..no reason to be contacting ppl of the opposite past 10pm {i think thats reasonable} if u know they’re in a relationship..to me its borderline disrespectful esp if its not an emergency.
i think the best way to handle situations like this is to treat it in the manner that u would expect one to treat u.
oh and i agree let the friends be known upfront ..disclaimers are important.
Ahhhh I know this whole theyre “just a friend” thing all to well. My ex did a number on my trust level because of the whole just a friend issue. When we first met I told him about my bestfriend who happens to be a guy with whom I have never slept with nor had feelings forand ive known since 9th grade. He in response told me about his “bestfriend” of which he had slept with and who was always calling his phone when her boyfriend and her were arguing and needed someone to come and pick her up *rolls eyes* ok sure. I nip that in the bud quickly but only for new friends to come out of the woodworks. I dealt with the skype buddy who he also went to school with and took home when she needed a ride. Then I found the messages between him and his skype friend talking about having sex in his truck and how his roommate wasnt there n she should come over. I shoulda left then BUT im a forgiver so I let it go. And even more friends came along the “ex friend”, the “facebook friend” the “txt friend” the “band friend” smh the list goes on and theres only so many reasons a man needs nothing but female friends. This whole just a friend thing is non sense and its not about jealousy its about trust and the fact that when your in a relationship you have to give up some things and distance yourself from some poeple. Plus you never know what that so called friend is feeling deep down inside towards your partner.
This post is interesting because I am a female with more than a few very close guy friends. Thus, I have become very good at managing my close friendships with the guys while keeping the gf comfortable with our friendship. I think opposite sex relationships are possible. You shouldn’t have like 10, but if you have that homegirl you grew up with and have been best friends w/ since you were like 5, I don’t think it has to end. I think where a lot of the opposite-sex friends go wrong, is not feeling like you need to make the sig other comfortable with you. It’s natural for any woman to be threatened by an opposite-sex friend…that’s the first thing you have to get over. You have to put yourself in her shoes and find ways to show her that you’re not into her man like that, he’s just your homeboy. For instance, your communication and time spent with him should be during friend hours only. While he was single, you might’ve been able to hit him up at 2a like what up, but that is inapprop once he’s in a relationship. You should make a habit of inviting the BOTH of them when you have important functions or parties you’d like him to come to. Let her know that you’re not threatened by her being around and she will become more comfortable with you. Most of my guy friends who are in serious relationships, I do end up becoming a mutual friend to both him and his sig other.
Now, I haven’t had a serious enough relationship while I’ve had all of these close male friends so I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do when that happens because it’s completely understandable that my sig other wouldn’t want me with 10 best male friends. lol
SECURITY…TRUST…FAITH…
THIS AGE OLD SCENARIO IS CASE SPECIFIC. RARE…YET POSSIBLE. THE ISSUE LIES NOT WITH THE “CLOSE FRIEND” OF THE OPPOSITE SEX BUT WITH THE PARTNER/SPOUSE. WE ALL HAVE SELF RESTRAINT. WE ALL POSSESS THE ABILITY TO MAKE CONSCIOUS DECISIONS. IF YOU WORRY ABOUT UR PARTNER/SPOUSE STEPPING OUT ON YOU THEN CHANGE UR PARTNER/SPOUSE. IF YOU SINCERELY THINK THAT BANNING YOUR SPOUSE/PARTNER FROM SEEING A “CLOSE FRIEND” OF THE OPPOSITE SEX WILL AID IN THE PROGRESSION OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP…BY ALL MEANS…GO AHEAD. JUST BE READY FOR THE LIES & DECEIT.
PERSONALLY…
I HAVE A NETWORK OF CLOSE FRIENDS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX (S33) THAT I WOULD NEVER THINK OF IN THAT MANNER. BUT MY PARTNER/SPOUSE WILL MEET SAID “FRIENDS” AND UNDERSTAND FULLY HOW PLATONIC THESE RELATIONSHIPS ARE THAT I HOLD WITH SAID “FRIENDS”. THEREFORE THERE WILL BE NO ROOM FOR SPECULATION OR MISINTERPRETATION. TRUE GOOD/CLOSE FRIENDS RESPECT EACH OTHERS SPOUSE. NONE OF MINE WOULD CALL AT AN INDECENT HOUR UNLESS FOR EMERGENCY.
COMMUNICATION…
BE OPEN. BE MATURE. IF YOU HAVE SUSPICIONS…ASK. PRIDE WILL BE THE DEATH OF ANY RELATIONSHIP. PRIDE AND ASSUMPTIONS. DON’T ASSUME ANYTHING. GET THE FACTS. IF YOU FEEL AS THOUGH YOUR SPOUSE IS SKETCH & CAN’T BE TRUSTED…GRAB THAT MIRROR & REEVALUATE THE PEOPLE YOU ARE INVESTING TIME IN.
IN RETROSPECT…
IF YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP AND HAVE NEVER MET ANY, BEEN AROUND ANY, AND DO NOT FULLY UNDERSTAND THE PREMISE OF ANY OF YOUR PARTNER’S/SPOUSE’S “CLOSE FRIEND” RELATIONSHIPS…GET UNDERSTANDING…OR GET OUT.
yes!
@ B_N_VINCIBLE i love that post….great words..great view
@B_N_Vincible great points.
The dialogue in this post so far is great. Pass this one along to your networks
This is on point to what I say all the time. Ifg you have a friend..a true friend of the opposite sex, and you are with someone that friend should know boundaries..If they are truly just a friend. Furthermore you should be forecomming and honest with your significant other. What that means is, your “friend” shouldnt be hittin u up and 2, 3 am if yal are just “friends” but a REAL friend would recognize and respect your relationship and boo..If not their intentions are suspect, and whoever’s friend it is needs to be the one to put them in check…IF they are just a friend…but most times tha person is not just a friend.
Kim, I disagree. There’s no such thing as a friend quota. People don’t decide “okay, I have ONE male friend and ONE female friend. No need for anymore!” Why should it be any different when you have a significant other? Sure, your special someone should satisfy your desire for a companion, an intimate partner and (in the best relationships [in my opinion]) a friend; but that shouldn’t make your other friends insignificant. It IS true that once you are in a relationship there is a need for boundaries when interacting with friends of the opposite sex — 100%. But, if your significant other is “miserable” at the thought of you having friends of the opposite sex, perhaps you should consider having a conversation with your partner about trust; not shutting out good male friends (for females) because your boyfriend may be jealous.
Great post, Chaz!
I agree completely! (male perspective)But the friend that is the problem is the guy who settle to be ya friend only after he tried to BAG you ..Translation(he tried to get your number).
If you guys grew up, or went to the same chruch, or had some common affiliation that brought up a natural friendship then MAYBE he can just be ya friend,, VERY RARE
But most guys unless your (GAY) truly doesnt need a female best friend. Lets be serious. Im not bout to roll out to the bar, gym, club, football game, with my HOME GIRL. I have one female friend. And ide def SMASH! but never would becuase at this point it would be mad awkward.. or would it?? hmmmm PUTS sign on female friends door
(DICK IN THE GLASS JAR) break open when VALNERABLE/HORNY…j/k but this is how alot of dudes that will settle to be your friend when he wantS you THINKS …
MESSAGE!!!
I agree with everything Chaz!! It only makes sense to let your partner know about a friend as soon as things get serious so this person doesn’t seem random and mysterious…… We can go on and on about relationships, but the point is….. If you don’t communicate nor know your partner then there is a PROBLEM…… Once those two aspects “with some trust” is thrown In There, then I don’t feel like you’ll have much to worry about. Although that is not true to a full extent. There is no right or wrong answer to relationships. Just know yourself and the person you choose to call your man or woman …. -Jaye
Now you know I strongly disagree with this.
For too many reasons to list right now, but:
If your girlfriend is bi-sexual, can she not have friends period?
….GTFOH
that is all
i agree partially…. i agree that if you have a male/female friend you need to set boundaries. your friend cannot call you all hours of the night just to say wassup. your man/woman should know of this friend before you all enter a relationship and if they were a real friend they would invite your man/woman to a “lunch date.” i dont agree with you cancelling your friend out because your partner told you too, you need that one friend of the opposite sex to help you through struggling situations, then again you cant tellyour friend only the bad about someone but also the good. thats how relationships with friends fall apart
I agree to an extent. Some people are more sociable than others, and when someone is social they tend to have more than enough close “friends”. Personally, I am social and I have a lot of male friends that my guy doesn’t take kindly too.
Because I am in a relationship I believe there are limits with close friends. If a girl will text a guy and have a full blown conversation with this close friend during personal time, I feel that is disrespectful and questions need to be asked.
These type of relationships fail because of lack of communication, if you are serious about this guy and you want it to progress. He will know that you guys are just friends. He will know that he has you just that good.
Every relationship should have its own rules that two people agree on. Relationships is teamwork in a way, you have to work together and communicate if you want it to be successful.
Great post.. we will all go thru these problems especially in the INFO NOW type world we live in, where everything is posted on social networks for all to see Asap..
B had awesome points in his response and communication is key! Sometimes people are what they say.. just friends.. but like said knowing from the beginning is something that makes it more justifiable then just jumping up out of no where. Its a tough thing to juggle but its just another part of life and relationships.. will u let it break u or build.
-thoughts from the smacked mind
I would have to disagree with this one in part. I think it is situational. I think it’s ok to have RESPECTFUL friends of the opposite sex…key word RESPECTFUL…In my last relationship/situation, the only time it bothered me was 1.The guy was still close friends with an ex and 2.The guy was still friends with people who got upset when he told them that we were involved. Those were two HUGE red flags for me. But other than that, again, I see no issue with it as long as everyone is respectful.
I believe that in a relationship you should still be able to have close friends of the opposite sex, especially if you are not sexually attracted to that person. If the person is strictly “just a friend”, then you entering into a relationship shouldn’t have an effect on your relationship. If that person is “just a friend” they should/will be respectful of your relationship. If not, then that is when you should reevaluate your friendship with that person, and establish set boundaries between your friendship with your friend and your relationship with your partner.
For example, a close male/female friend that you may have grown up with/gone to school with, you’re not going to completely end that friendship when entering into a relationship/marriage. If you’re secure with your partner and you trust them then you shouldn’t have to worry about dishonesty.
I do agree that communication is KEY when entering a relationship/marriage, so when getting to know your partner the company that you keep should be addressed from the beginning.