Friends with Benefits
I’m sure some of you have seen the recent movie Friends with Benefits. I haven’t and there isn’t a need to. It was probably the perfect depiction of boy meets girl where boy and girl decide they’re just not ready for commitment and decide to just have sex; by the end of the movie boy and girl realize that they just can’t live without each other and live happily ever after. Am I close?
THESE MOVIES AREN’T REAL LIFE and they’re a leading cause of women having hope for situations that were never meant to end in a relationship. Because of this movie, there were probably hundreds that continued to stay in their current situation waiting for the guy to realize that he can’t live without them. I hope you’re not holding your breath. So let’s break this thing down.
The Original Agreement:
- there is no commitment
- we just have sex. When we hit each others phone, you already know what it is.
- We’re cool, but don’t bring attention to the situation in public.
- We don’t go on dates
- We don’t have to entertain questions such as “where are you? Who are you with? Who is she/he? “
Sound a bit harsh? Then having a friend with benefits isn’t for you.
Where men go wrong
You enter into this situation with a female that you mildy like. You’re not ready to commit to her but you actually don’t mind spending extra time with her. Later you figure out she’s pretty cool to talk to and you start opening up to her. You tell her about your past, current plans, future goals. She’s falling already. Then you begin to text her all day. Now she’s got gps on you and can pretty much locate you at all times. You’ve put her onto your favorite music, she’s seen your baby picture from 89 and you EVEN agree to go grab some food at a popular restaurant in town. BLEW IT. You have just opened the door with the big word HOPE on it and allowed her to walk right in. Congratulations.
Where women go wrong
Simply by agreeing to be in these situations. 9 out of 10 women can’t handle strictly being friends with benefits. Women naturally want attention, to feel important and all the rest of that mess. Not to say you don’t deserve it, but every man isn’t equipped or desires to give it to you. There are a lot of reasons women fall into the friend with benefits stage.
- the relationship didn’t work out as planned but you stay around for the sex.
- Hurt by your previous relationship so you think you’ll just have sex until youre ready to trust again
- You like a guy but you know he’s not ready for a relationship, but you think he’ll eventually change his mind.
All of these reasons are setting yourself up for failure. Stop it, because when the guy adheres to the guideslines ( isn’t hitting you up consistently, wants you to come over late at night, never wants to go out in public ) you automatically write him off as an asshole when he is simply living up to the terms of the agreement. Now there are those females that can actually handle sex with no strings attached, but they are a rare breed.
When a man says he just wants sex with no relationship, he just wants sex!!!! When a woman says she just wants sex, she just wants sex but eventually she’s going to want more!!!
Conclusion
Just realize what you are signing up for before you get in it and remember, “Expectations = Disappointments”. The success rate for friends with benefits is low, but who’s really more at fault for the failure??
-Domo
Excellent post Domo! Way to see both sides and argue the real issue at hand – “it’s unlikely and there happens to be a high failure percentage.” Well written and proposed.
And that my friends is the truth and everyday someone falls for the “dream” and go on the magic carpet ride we call “friends with benefits” too bad even with this article shedding light on the situation, it will continue.
I think people have the hope that it will work, but since we arent robots we cant completely shut our feelings out. So ,yea it will be fun for a little while. But it usually wont just be sex anymore..
Friends with Benefits almost always lead into Friends with Stipulations right before becoming Former Friends who No Longer Fuck with Each Other Because Someone Caught Feelings and Shit Got Weird. Damn right, I’m speaking from experience.
Yes, the most obvious point in having a fuck buddy is the availability of easy sex. I mean, it’s like carry out pussy (or penis)- always convenient and you don’t have to wait to be seated.
And yes, the beauty in this agreement is that, going in, both parties know what the fuck it is. There’s no “I gotta impress you” and more significantly, you don’t have to answer to anyone. Shit’s ingenious…
…or at least it could/would/should be.
Unfortunately, life isn’t a sleazy, primetime, sitcom and things just don’t work like that. You’re right.
All bias views aside, I’ve been on both sides of the bed. I’ve been the one to fall back because the beneficiary caught feelings, and I’ve also been the one to catch feelings. We all have been there.
I think another point that fucks up the “Friends With Benefits” is that when you really think about it, not too many people are about that “We can fuck around and I don’t GAF who you fuck around with because it’s none of my business” life. Think about it.
You and ol’ girl are doing your own thing. No strings attached, as agreed, and it is what it is. You later find out this same chick is getting plowed by one, maybe 2, 3, or even 4 different dudes. Technically, it’s not your place to say anything but damn… this broad is a hoe. Agreement terminated? Probably so.
Or, ladies, you decide you’re too busy for a relationship and the Fuck Buddy is the best plan of action… (Put a pin here) Now, maybe I deal with a different type of female(s) but I know not ONE who will openly admit to having a rotation of guys enter and exit her vaginal walls. Meaning, they SAY they only deal with one dude at a time. (Remove Pin)
So, ladies, you soon find out that ol’ boy is also fucking the chick in your Bio class who you really don’t even fuck with like that. Agreement terminated? I think so.
Does this mean that Friends with Benefits means- you’re only fucking with each other and no one else? If a party involved decides to fuck someone else, must the other member of the agreement be notified? So many questions. Shit gets confusing.
I say that to say, some people go into a friends with benefits agreement with the idea “oh, it is what it is. No strings” but truthfully, there are so many stated/unstated stipulations as to what you can and can’t do (As listed above,) that you’re pretty much setting yourself up for disaster on first fuck.
Pardon my vulgarities.
Fuck Buddies or Friends with Benefits should be able to do whatever it is they please with the open idea that, WE ARE NOT COMMITED.
The idea of a no-strings-attached affair only exists in soap operas and horribly scripted porn. #FactsAreFacts. –Blade Brown
Perfect…so now everybody knows when a girl is friends wit benefits with a guy….the guy is winning…and the woman …well like the statistics say….9 out of 10……dudes will always b not Shyt untill women understand this
YIIIIKES! LMBOOO!!
well yea i agree friends wit benefits dont work out. everyone catches feelings whether they admit it or not. but they are hot n steamy in the beginning. *sighs*
Well said Domo!! This post is very objective. I like how you show both sides of everything and I totally agree. You need to know what you’re getting into before you start anything. Also I can say from experience TIMING is a major thing when it comes to men. You can hope that he’ll change his mind but at the end of the day a man is only going to do what HE WANTS to do. So take his advice ladies.
In these situations, someone has to learn how to take accountability. Men will continue to call women unstable, emotional creatures but yet they will continue to enter into these agreements and get frustrated when the woman wants more. There are some women who repeatedly find themselves in this situation, and blame men for the outcome.
If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results, who is crazier? The man or the woman?
I think that another issue with women is that they feel the strong need to stay in the same shitty situation because of this intense need to keep a certain body count + low self esteem + not knowing forreal that they might deserve better.
Like:
This is a shitty situation – but it’s fairly-reliable
I’ve already been with x amount of guys – (to which many women inversely relate self worth)
Who’s to say the next guy will even be better?
…may as well just stick to this
My FWB relationships have been lovely.
But I think this is another situation in which lesbian interaction is vastly different.
Either that or I’m the detached asshole in the situation.
Great post. Super accurate & I hope some folks I know read this.
LOL…I love all the perspectives. Isn’t this a touchy subject? People love playing this game. Everyone thinks they’re so smart when it comes to sex…
First, you need to let go of the word friend. I am not your friend. You are not my friend. We may be associates and run in the same circle…but no, we’re not friends. Far from it. People get confused because they often start these FWB relationships with their ‘fake friends.’ You are not friends with someone you’re having sex, had sex with or WANT to have sex with. Either you’re fake friends or you recognize the feelings between you.
Now, once you get that out of the way. You’re free. But people…men and women, can’t seem to let that aspect go. That’s mainly because sex is an intimate act and people indulge in it for that reason. If it was just about a nut…you’d masterbate. You can ALWAYS get yourself off. Without having to worry about the result of being in a FWB relationship. That’s what logical people do.
FWB is such a cowards move of fullfilment without the work. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe it can work. But is not called, friends with benefits…its called having a ‘lover.’ There is a difference. A Lover, recognizes the feeling that sex(only) brings, they don’t fight it, intimancy is accepted. That friend fluff isn’t even included, I don’t care about your day…please take your clothes off.
So, my advice…grow some balls/tits and ask that person out that you’ve been thinking about sexing down and possibly falling for. You know you really want to. Get a Lover, like for real no attachments…let go of the friendship- Or go grab some porns, toys, lotion and have a field day.
Well put, and that was exactly what the movie was about lol! Let’s also not forget the situation where us men are like: “Damn, that was a good chick” lol. Yet and still, we liked her what she was; no commitment & hittage! Lol…Anyways, great point to the person referring to the natural progression of the “friends with benefits situation”. She stops letting you beat, either party gets mad, and you hate each other for it lol. Every man knows the game, but we never really want to stop playing it lol.
“I don’t care about your day… please take your clothes off”
^^
accurate to my life.
But I just really cannot ever equate masturbation with sex.
Even if the situation is bad – I will always choose the warm body .
The intimacy is incomparable.
But how do you say “for real no attachments” and enforce that?
I ALWAYS say off rip
“I’m emotionally unavailable – but I’m here if you need to make some bad decisions”
So…at what point do you have to be an asshole and say: that’s unnecessarily intimate / that looks your emotions are too caught up etc etc?
Because that’s when I’m the bad guy! (not that I care – but ijs)
@HJayBee First, I want to say…when you tell people you’re emotionally unstable (red flag for a woman who wants to fix it! They are gonna LOVE to make some bad decisions with you, hoping they’ll fix you. lol) You’re already setting yourself up to be the bad guy.
To address your question about how to enforce the, “for real no attachments.” It’s really no “forcing” necessary. Once you remove the friend part, it totally becomes about sex. Granted the intimacy is ultimately empty but its better than masterbation (for you)…just as you said, its incomparable. You just have to make a choice about what you’re able to cope with. Most people cannot have a lover…its empty, unfullfilling, dissapointing because it is a brief experience of intimacy having nothing to do with the other person…
You do care if you’re the bad guy. I can tell..
@DK I’m not emotional unstable lol! I’m emotionally unavailable. not there.
& Nah.. I don’t mind being considered the bad guy if I didn’t do anything intentional to hurt people.
If cutting people off entirely (as an FWB) makes me a jerk – b/c she still wants to continue the situation
And keeping it going… makes me a jerk b/c I know she’ll eventually want more
I’m totally ok being a jerk.
Nothing can be done at that point.
(and I don’t *always* end up the bad guy. Like I said… some of my FWB situations have worked out great. And we’re still cool today)
And yeah I guess this is where there’s a break down in the hetero/homo relationships. Regardless of emotion (imo..even one night stands) the intimacy does have to do with the other person. That’s kinda how it works.. logistically. lol
I think if both parties find a way to enforce it it’d be straight. I just don’t know what that is.
Apologies…unavailable! Sounds/means the same to me…
Intent vs being knowledgeable of possible consequences, I have thoughts on that but thats for a different post.
No, cutting someone off as a FWB does not make you a jerk especially if that person isn’t getting the point that you do not want to be more.
What I think does make you a jerk is going into a situation knowing that the person will eventually want more and you won’t. Despite what type of verbal agreements they make. You know they will want more and yet, because you’d rather have a warm body rather than yourself for pleasuring, you take the chance, run the risk. I mean hey…it’s not your feelings involve. I believe thats selfish(which is kinda the point, this isn’t an insult) and yet smart, you’ve definitely covered your own ass. Kudos
Just don’t go around speaking about your intent without acknowledging what you knew prior to involving yourself in a FWB relationship.
It’s all fun and games until a baby pops out!
The movie was actually pretty hilarious…see it!
As with the stuff u said, I agree. I’ve NEVER had a successful “friends with benefits” situation…either I caught feelings and he didn’t or vice versa OR sumthin else happened. I’m not bout that life…but learned a lot in the process! Good post!
Its all fun & games until you wake up next to them everyday!
First off, great post!.. You have been taught well in this game, and hit the nail on the head with that one.
To answer your concluding question, both parties are equally at fault for the failure of the FWB relationship. The reason is short, simple and very true… ALL men and woman know for a fact that 9 out of 10 times the female (or male, for you cupcakes) will catch feelings and in that event, it is not mutual, the relationship is over! In knowing this fact, when both parties decide to move forward with their lustful ways, both SHOULD BE held equally responsible. Plus at the end of the day, males can only do with women what they are allowed. If in order for ANY kind of male to female interaction, women held men to the standard of opening car doors, pulling out chairs, etc. I bet my bottom dollar that universally we would all be some door opening, chair pulling SOBs.
Secondly, FWB can work COMPLETELY, but there has to be this one key component. I look at it as a counter balance, which keeps all parties fully aware and invested in the matter at hand. This also leaves no extra room for the “what ifs”. The girl must be getting drilled by -OR- the guy must be drilling the whole crew. And the crew (guy or girl) has to be stone cold rock solid hoes. If you are offended by this or by being called a hoe (and you have the traits), then you just don’t know or have not accepted the essence of the word. I’m not referring to the stereotypical – media induced bullshit you are thinking of. And sure, there are many different layers of the meaning of hoe, but I promise you that if you sit down and write out the fifteen characteristics of what defines a hoe – a lot of people will find themselves erasing entries to keep their characteristics and names off the list. Being a hoe is not a bad thing if you accept it and don’t look at it like the rest of society does.
To conclude, just be real with yourself — to yourself… You know what you can and cannot personally handle. Plus, if people were not so scared of the judgment of others, a lot more people would be happy and fucking with no strings attached! You might call them savages, but I call it real life where no “bags” are accepted.
Wake up next to?
Sleep time is solo
cuddle time is a HELL no